Pura Doris Quaatsch

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Pura Doris Quaatsch
(Zebra, G)
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Pura Doris Quaatsch.jpg
Illustration by AggroBadger
No. 99 – Bangor Tides
Position Guard
Species Zebra ( Equidae )
Gender Female
Personal information
Born (1990-01-01) January 1, 1990 (age 30)
Nationality American
Listed height 6 ft 4 in (1.93 m)
Listed weight 166 lb (75 kg)
Shoots Right
Career information
College University of Maryland
FBA draft 2012 / Round: 2 / Pick: 41st overall
Selected by the San Jose Thrust
Pro playing career 2012–present
Career history
2012-2013 San Jose Thrust
2013-Apr 2014 Dakota Bikers
Apr 2014-2015 Las Vegas Wildcards
2015-present Bangor Tides
Career highlights and awards
Contract information
Contract year 2018
2020 Salary $5.5 million
2021 Salary $5.5 million
Player Contacts
(IC) Agent Corker (male platypus)
(OOC) Creator Kinto
(OOC) Actor Kinto
(OOC) Usage Ask me before any use

Pura Doris Quaatsch is a female zebra guard currently playing for the Bangor Tides.


Pura’s life was destined to be unorthodox from the start. The zebra mare’s middle name comes from a genus of nudibranch; her father Quaark Quaatsch is one of the world’s foremost experts on gastropods. Preferring Limax to linebackers and radulae to rebounds, he never set foot on a basketball court until his daughter came along. Also, he’s an aardvark; Pura’s mother, Odval Quaatsch, is a Przewalski’s mare. The zebra was adopted as a yearling through circumstances her parents are reticent to divulge, other than to say that Pura was born in a war-torn nation somewhere in Africa.

Pura’s first classroom was the world; Quaark Quaatsch traveled extensively in pursuit of his passion, and his family was glad to follow. Odval homeschooled Pura and encouraged her to always try new things. While her father was studying banana slugs in the Pacific Northwest, Pura learned local mythology from a grizzly. During a conch census in the Bahamas, Pura learned to snorkel from an otter. And, during a summer-long snail hunt in the Congo when she was just a skinny little filly, Pura learned basketball from an exotic green wolf.

Pura grew up intelligent and outgoing. From her father, she inherited a boundless fascination with every aspect of the world around her, no matter how small or superficially disgusting, and a taste for ants. From her mother, she inherited an openness to new experiences and an appreciation for literature and poetry. And from her father’s slimy little friends she inherited patience. Her height and her athleticism, however, must have been inherited from her unknown biological family.

Before she even hit puberty, Pura was taller than either of her adoptive parents. Quaark Quaatsch was offered a tenured professorship at Harvaardward and the family settled in New England. For the first time in her life, Pura was enrolled in a traditional school. At a gym teacher’s suggestion, and with her parents’ encouragement, Pura tried out for the basketball team, and her talent quickly blossomed. Later, on the basketball squad at the University of Maryland, Pura further developed her own cerebral style of play. She never put up large scoring numbers on her own, but consistently was among the team leaders in assists.

Quick, agile, and a superb passer, Pura’s talent lies in knowing exactly where the ball needs to be and exactly when it needs to be there, and then getting the ball there and then. On countless occasions opponents would try to block her only to discover her hands were already empty while her teammates streaked down the court with the ball. Sports journalists dubbed the zebra PDQ (“Pretty Darn Quick”) for her dazzling agility, but to her teammates she was always affectionately known as Sluggy, after her inherited fondness for all things small and slimy.

Between her studies (major in classical furry literature, minor in French) and basketball, Pura raised Madagascar hissing cockroaches and Neritina natalensis (her first breeding pair was a gift from her father when she graduated high school).

Pura graduated from college in May, 2012, with a 3.7 GPA and her bachelor’s. Rather than stay in academia, Pura opted to pursue her dream and submitted her name for the 2012 FBA Draft.

Even if her father still refers to quarters as “innings” and thinks his daughter’s going to win the Stanley Cup, her family couldn’t be prouder.

2013-2014 Season

On April 27th, 2014, Quaatsch was traded by the Dakota Bikers to the Las Vegas Wildcards for William Keen (Coyote, G/F).